Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Big Trouble Brews At Burroughs High

The school board took the controversial decision to cancel the rest of the 2014
Pictured left to right: Burroughs High football coach
Benway and varsity captain Bill "Bull" Lee
brew up some trouble.
Burroughs High School football season at an emergency meeting last night after "serious allegations" that members of the varsity team produced and abused a powerful hallucinogenic drug.

The controversy started two weeks ago when an unnamed varsity player attacked and tried to bite an opposing Jefferson High player, screaming that his victim was in reality a "tasty" alien from another galaxy.

TheBurroughs player later tested positive for an exotic drug known as "black wax".

The drug may be unknown to some parents, but local students take the substance for granted. A Burroughs cheerleader who refused to be interviewed walked away from this reporter complaining, "All the teams at the other schools do wax. It's not like anyone's been raped. What's the big deal?"

After the incident at the Burroughs game, one freshman posted an internet video that went viral and described the process of making the black wax.

"It's a kind of mold," says the freshman, who protects his anonymity in the video by disguising himself as a purple-rumped baboon. "One day a senior came to me in the locker room and said, 'Hey, kid. Wanna cultivate some wax?' And I said, 'Would I? Thought you'd never ask, Mac!" The spores are carried in the gills of a rare aquatic centipede. So he puts one in my ear to nest. It really hurt at first."

The freshman continues to describe how the centipede dies in the ear canal and the spores germinate there. "And a couple of weeks later," the freshman says in the video, "that senior comes back and licks the wax out of my ear, and he gets himself real smoothed out. Trouble is it turns his lips purple."

"No one got hurt," protested Mrs. McCann, mother of a varsity player at last night's school board meeting. "Our boys don't deserve to have their lives ruined by cancelling the scholarship, I mean season. All they were doing was acting like boys," she continued.

Although she was clearly stressed by wearing her giant centipede costume, she managed to scream, "Only because our school board chairman is an impostor from another galaxy is this mockery of human tragedy forced upon us!"

"Now, now, now," declared the chairman in sync with his gavel. "The matter before the board has nothing whatever to do with my diplomatic status in this or any other galaxy. Murrg blork bork!"

This intrepid reporter tracked down varsity football coach Benway for the straight locker room dope.

Sporting orange lip gloss and a 9mm auto loader, Benway cordially allowed me to interview him while engaging in target practice in the Burroughs gym. A linebacker stood twenty paces away with an apple on his head and a cheerleader looked on.

"Don't be absurd," Benway said, "It isn't as if we sacrificed the freshmen by tying them to the goal posts and feeding them live to giant centipedes."


"That's how we did it in the old days, when baboons were baboons."


"Control is very important when you play at the varsity level, and the black wax keeps everything under control. Not that I need the stuff myself."


He lowered the pistol a moment and yelled, "Hey, Mac! Quit squirming so much when I shoot at you! Makes you look like a damn sissy!"


Then he signaled the cheerleader who scraped thin liquid into a jar from the quivering linebacker's leg using credit card. Benway stared as if transfixed, licking the orange gloss from his upper lip to reveal pulsating purple papules.

"At least nothing untoward is happening," he concluded.

On a pyramid in the Yucatan a candidate managed to say, "Something has gone horribly wrong," before his eyes turned into cold stones.

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